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  AN ORAL HISTORY OF THE CULVERT PREP MIDDLE SCHOOL SIXTH GRADE CLASS ELECTION (Second Semester)

  compiled from interviews conducted by

  CLAUDIA TAPPER

  with

  a whole bunch of people, including:

  CANDIDATES FOR PRESIDENT

  Claudia Tapper

  Reese Tapper

  James Mantolini

  CANDIDATES FOR TREASURER

  Carmen Gutierrez

  Xander Billington

  Max Esper

  SENIOR CAMPAIGN STAFF

  Akash Gupta

  Kalisha Hendricks

  MEDIA

  Sophie Koh,

  The Culvert Chronicle

  SQUIRREL

  Nutty the Squirrel*

  Dear Ebook Reader,

  Hello! My name is Claudia Tapper, and I wrote this book. Then I printed it out so people could read it. And when I did, I realized I’d left a lot of things out, so I handwrote them in the margins.

  Then some person at a publishing company decided to turn my book into an ebook. Which was personally VERY exciting for me.

  Except it turns out you can’t handwrite things in the margins of ebooks. You can handwrite photo captions, but not margin notes. Which is weird. But whatever.

  So somebody in the publisher’s office typed out my handwritten margin notes and stuck them in the text. Every time you see Ed. note: blah blah blah, you should know that A) Ed. note is short for Editor’s note and B) the editor is me, Claudia.

  Sincerely,

  Claudia Tapper

  P.S. Thank you for buying my book!

  P.P.S. It was all my brother’s fault. (Not the ebook situation, but everything else.)

  PROLOGUE

  CLAUDIA

  My name is Claudia Tapper. I’m twelve years old. And I’m just going to be completely honest about this: I want to be president.

  And not just president of the sixth grade, but the whole United States.

  I know this probably sounds obnoxious. But I think it’s very important to set big goals for yourself and try to be the best person you can be. Ed. Note: (I also want to be a famous singer-songwriter–but that is a whole other story) That way, even if you fall short, you could still end up being vice president. Ed. Note: or maybe governor of something

  I also know getting elected president is a MAJOR long shot, and I’ll have to face a ton of challenges to pull it off. For the record, I am totally fine with that. Facing big challenges and kicking butt at them is what makes a person a strong leader. Nobody wants a president who didn’t have to work hard to get the job.

  That’s why I decided to put together this book, which is the official history of my campaign to be re-elected president of Culvert Prep’s sixth grade class.

  Because that election was the biggest challenge of my life.

  Mostly thanks to my stupid twin brother.

  REESE

  I seriously was NOT planning to run for president.

  I mean, it’s not like I want to be one when I grow up. I’ve seen the real president on TV, and there’s no way I’d want that guy’s job. He spends his whole day wearing a suit and getting yelled at. It’s even worse than being a lawyer. Ed. Note: not true. Dad is a lawyer–it is MUCH worse than being president

  But the thing is, sometimes you have to stand up for your beliefs. And that’s what I was doing.

  This election wasn’t about me.

  It was about freedom. Ed. Note: Reese HAS NO CLUE what that even means (his campaign manager taught him to say it)

  MOM AND DAD (Text messages copied from Dad’s phone)

  (MOM) FYI, Claudia’s writing another oral history

  Ed. Note: oral history = my interviews w/everybody involved

  (DAD) My whole body just clenched up in fear

  I told her she can’t use our texts this time

  Smart move. We would look like worst parents ever

  No kidding. Especially me

  Just don’t leave your phone lying around or she will steal it and take screenshots

  Don’t worry—my phone is password-protected

  Ed. Note: Dad’s password=7734

  CHAPTER 1

  DOGGIE TERROR FROM THE SKIES

  CLAUDIA

  None of this ever would have happened if Reese hadn’t almost murdered a very small dog with a soccer ball.

  REESE

  I did NOT almost murder it! The dog didn’t even get hurt!

  And it was a total accident! So even if I’d skronked Ed. Note: not a real word the dog, it wouldn’t have been murder. It would’ve been, like… dogslaughter. Ed. Note: (like “manslaughter,” but with dog?) (either way, not a real word)

  CLAUDIA

  I should back up a little and explain the situation.

  Reese and I live in New York City. Which is awesome. It’s actually TOO awesome, because so many people want to live here that it is seriously overcrowded.

  And it’s not just overcrowded in the subway, or the grocery store, or Midtown during the holidays, but everywhere. There is just no space at all.

  For example: size-wise, my bedroom is somewhere between a very tiny closet and a very large shoebox.

  Not that I’m complaining. I’m actually very grateful I even HAVE a bedroom. If Reese and I had to share a room, it would be a total nightmare. For a LOT of reasons. But especially because he smells horrible.

  REESE

  Okay, THAT is not fair. I only smell bad after soccer.

  CLAUDIA

  Reese, you play soccer EVERY SINGLE DAY.

  REESE

  No way! I play, like, five days a week. Tops.

  CLAUDIA

  Okay, so—FIVE out of seven days, you smell like a butt… that’s been stuffed inside a moldy shoe… with some rotten vegetables.

  REESE

  Yeah. But only five.

  CLAUDIA

  I am getting seriously off track here. My point is, New York City is SO overcrowded that sometimes normal things end up in not-normal places. Like our school’s playground. Which, instead of being in a normal place—like next to the parking lot—is on the roof. Five stories up. Ed. Note: (also, there’s no parking lot)

  And if you are insane enough to get into a contest to see who can kick a soccer ball over the rooftop fence—

  REESE

  It wasn’t a contest! It was a bet. And the bet was I couldn’t do a bicycle kick from in front of the SOUTH fence that was high enough to clear the whole NORTH fence—which was ridic hard, ’cause it was January and I was wearing snow boots. So it’s totally beast that I nailed it.

  Now that I think of it, Xander still owes me five bucks for that.

  CLAUDIA

  Like I was saying: if you’re insane enough to kick your soccer ball over the rooftop fence, New York City’s SO overcrowded that even if you DON’T actually take out some mean rich lady’s equally mean little dog while she’s walking it down 77th Street… the ball will come screaming down out of the sky and scare BOTH the mean little dog AND the mean rich lady SO MUCH that she�
�ll march into Culvert Prep and demand to talk to whoever’s in charge of not letting soccer balls fly off the roof. Ed. Note: dog was very mean EVEN BEFORE this happened (so was owner)

  And THAT is how Vice Principal Bevan wound up banning soccer from the roof.

  REESE

  Which was totally cray! That was, like, a straight-up attack on my freedom. And my liberty. And my human rights to, like, kick soccer balls during free time.

  And that’s why I got into politics. Ed. Note: srsly, Reese has NO CLUE what all these words even mean

  CHAPTER 2

  OUR APARTMENT HAS A SUPREME LEADER Ed. Note: (And Other Stuff You Should Know About Politics)

  CLAUDIA

  In case you’re like my brother and have no idea what politics even is, it’s all about who gets to decide the really important questions in a country and/or middle school. Like “Should soccer balls be banned from the roof?” Or “What if we invade Canada?”

  There are a bunch of ways politics can work. But the two most common ones are “dictatorship” and “democracy.”

  In a dictatorship, one person decides everything. Ed. Note: (i.e., the dictator) Then everybody else has to do whatever that person says. It’s VERY unfair.

  Two good examples of dictatorships are North Korea and our apartment.

  REESE

  The dictator of our apartment is Mom. Ed. Note: Dad not happy about this But she’s pretty cool about it.

  CLAUDIA

  It is definitely much better to live in our apartment than North Korea. For one thing, we have totally uncensored Internet access. Mostly because Mom couldn’t figure out the parental control app.

  Plus, she works crazy-long hours. Ed. Note: (Dad’s hours are even crazier/longer) So most of the time, Ashley, our after-school sitter, is the substitute dictator. And tbh, Ashley is a total pushover. For example, last year she let Reese eat nothing but Cheezy Puffs for dinner for three straight weeks.

  I am still a little surprised that didn’t kill him.

  REESE

  It ALMOST did. By the end, I think my skin was turning orange.

  CLAUDIA

  The second kind of politics is a democracy, where everybody gets to vote on all the important questions.

  But in a country of 320,000,000 Ed. Note: (U.S.A. population) people—or even a sixth grade of 97 people—letting everybody vote on everything is way too complicated. So instead, everybody votes on who their leaders should be, and then the leaders make the decisions. Ed. Note: (FYI: this is called “representative” democracy)

  REESE

  So is school a dictatorship? Or a democracy? ’Cause we defs don’t have uncensored Internet access. You can’t get on ANY good sites from the cafeteria Wi-Fi.

  CLAUDIA

  Culvert Prep is a mix. It’s basically 90% dictatorship and 10% democracy.

  REESE

  Who’s the dictator of Culvert Prep? Vice Principal Bevan?

  CLAUDIA

  No, it’s the Head of School, Ms. Tingley. Plus Principal Spooner. Vice Principal Bevan’s more like their army. Like, whenever there’s rioting in the streets, they send her in to restore order.

  REESE

  I have no clue what you’re talking about. All I know is, Mrs. Bevan’s the one who banned soccer balls from the roof. And when me and Xander and Wyatt were like, “Puhhhleeeeaase let us play soccer on the roof again!” she was all, “Why don’t you ask your class rep to bring it up in SG?” Ed. Note: SG = Student Government

  CLAUDIA

  Student Government is the 10% democracy part of Culvert Prep Middle School. SG is made up of one representative (a “rep”) from each homeroom class, plus a president and a treasurer for each grade.

  The class rep for Reese’s homeroom is my second-best friend Carmen. Ed. Note: tied with Parvati.

  So, rank is:

  1. Sophie

  2. Carmen (tie)

  2. Parvati (tie)

  CARMEN GUTIERREZ, 6th grade class rep/second-best friend of Claudia

  So your brother and his friends come up to me at lunch, and they’re like, “You GOTTA get the SG to tell Mrs. Bevan to let us play soccer on the roof!”

  But the thing is, I’ve been trying to get Culvert Prep to install solar panels on the roof FOR-EVER. Solar power’s MAJOR for our future—if we don’t stop burning coal and oil, the ice caps are going to melt, New York City’s going to be totally underwater, and we’re ALL GOING TO DROWN.

  CLAUDIA

  Carmen is VERY concerned about global warming. It’s basically the whole reason she ran for class rep.

  CARMEN

  It’s been ridic hard to get solar panels approved. Whenever I’d bring it up in SG, Mr. McDonald would be like, “There’s just so much sports playing on the roof that I don’t know if it’s really practical.” Ed. Note: Mr. McDonald = SG’s faculty advisor

  So I saw this soccer ban as a MAJOR opportunity. And I was like, “I’m sorry, Reese. The future of human civilization’s at stake here.”

  And Reese was like, “So’s our soccer game!”

  So I said, “Maybe you should discuss it with someone else in SG.”

  And he was like, “Who?”

  And I was like, “Duh! The class president.”

  CLAUDIA

  And at that moment, the class president was me.

  CHAPTER 3

  MY POLITICAL CAREER (ALL SEVEN YEARS OF IT)

  CLAUDIA

  Just so everybody understands how hard I worked to become sixth grade class president, here is a chart of my political career to date:

  As you can see, I’ve been in public service over half my life. I’ve tried VERY hard to make Culvert Prep and the world in general a better place. And I think I’ve done a pretty good job.

  In fact, everyone’s been so happy with the job I’ve done that in the last two elections, I mostly ran unopposed. Ed. Note: elections are twice a year (Sept. and Jan.)

  I say “mostly” because James Mantolini was also on the ballot both times. But I’m pretty sure he didn’t get a single vote. Possibly not even from himself.

  This is because James is out of his mind.

  JAMES MANTOLINI, presidential candidate/professional crazy person

  I run for president to bring attention to issues that other candidates are too scared to talk about.

  Like whether some of our teachers are secretly robots.

  CLAUDIA

  The Secret Robot Menace was James’s big issue in the last election. It was so insane that I took a picture of one of his campaign posters just in case historians of the future didn’t believe me.

  The election before that, James’s issue was “secession.”

  James wanted the fifth grade to “secede” from the rest of Culvert Prep. But pretty much no fifth grader on earth has ANY IDEA what that means. And his campaign posters did not exactly help.

  REESE

  That whole se-so-se-whatchamacallit thing was just crazypants. When James finally explained what it was, we were like, “Wait… if the whole fifth grade quit the school, where would we go all day?”

  And James was like, “Starbucks. If everybody orders a coffee, we can sit there as long as we want.”

  CLAUDIA

  Even though secession was completely insane, in my campaign that year, I promised to study the issue to see if it was a good idea for the kids of the fifth grade. Ed. Note: (IT WASN’T)

  This is because I believe it’s VERY important for a president to represent EVERYONE fairly and equally. Even people who are crazy and/or think it’s cool to kick soccer balls off the roof.

  Which is why, when Reese and his soccer idiot friends Xander and Wyatt came to me to complain about the roof situation, I listened.

  REESE

  No, you didn’t! You just said you’d study the issue!

  WYATT TEMPLEMAN, friend of Reese/soccer idiot

  Which totally meant you were going to blow us off!

  XANDER BILLINGTON, friend of Reese/soccer idiot Ed. Not
e: (also huge idiot in general)

  True dat! I’s all, “Don’t be frontin’ dat skeezy ish wit us, Cruella da Prez! RATCHET!”

  CLAUDIA

  Speaking of words nobody understands, I should explain about Xander Billington. He’s from a very old, very rich, and very brain-dead family. Xander’s great-great-great-great-whatever-grandfather Billington came to America on the Mayflower with the original Pilgrims.

  This was probably very annoying for the other Pilgrims.

  When Xander started dissing me like we were in a rap battle, I stayed classy. Instead of calling all of them names, too, I said, “If you don’t like the way I’m representing you as president, there’s an election coming up.”