The Tapper Twins Go to War (With Each Other) Read online

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  THE OFFICIALLY TRUE HISTORY OF THE WAR BETWEEN THE TAPPER TWINS

  (CLAUDIA AND REESE)

  compiled by Claudia Tapper

  From interviews conducted by Claudia Tapper

  Copyright © 2015 by Claudia Tapper

  All rights reserved by Claudia Tapper

  Not to be republished or reprinted in any form without the express written consent of Claudia Tapper

  For media inquiries, publishing offers, etc., please contact:

  Claudia Tapper ([email protected])

  Dear Ebook Reader,

  Hello! My name is Claudia Tapper, and I wrote this book. Then I printed it out so people could read it. And when I did, I realized I’d left a lot of things out, so I handwrote them in the margins.

  Then some person at a publishing company decided to turn my book into an ebook. Which was personally VERY exciting for me.

  Except it turns out you can’t handwrite things in the margins of ebooks. You can handwrite photo captions, but not margin notes. Which is weird. But whatever.

  So somebody in the publisher’s office typed out my handwritten margin notes and stuck them in the text. Every time you see Ed. note: blah blah blah, you should know that A) Ed. note is short for Editor’s note and B) the editor is me, Claudia.

  Sincerely,

  Claudia Tapper

  P.S. Thank you for buying my book!

  P.P.S. It was all my brother’s fault. (Not the ebook situation, but everything else.)

  PROLOGUE

  Ed. Note: (i.e., the very, very beginning)

  CLAUDIA

  Wars are terrible things. I know this because I’ve read about a lot of them on Wikipedia.

  And also because I was just in one. It was me against my brother, Reese.

  That might not sound like a war to you. Trust me. It was. In fact, it was a lot like other famous wars I’ve read about on Wikipedia.

  Just like World War II, it involved a sneak attack on a peaceful people who never saw it coming (me).

  Just like World War I, it lasted a lot longer and caused a LOT more problems than anybody expected, especially people who were totally innocent and didn’t deserve it (me).

  And like all wars, when it was over, somebody had to write a book about it (me), so that historians of the future would know exactly what happened and whose fault it was (Reese’s).

  This is especially true of the part where the police got involved.

  REESE

  Calling it a war is kind of stupid. But Claudia always has to make a big deal out of everything.

  I mean, yeah, it got out of hand for a while there. But it’s not like anybody died.

  Except on my MetaWorld account. THAT was a horrible, bloody massacre.

  It wasn’t actual blood or anything. It was pixels. But it was still pretty bad. There was, like, little red pixel blood splooshed all over the screen.

  And that was all Claudia’s fault, Ed. Note: NOT my fault (see above) and totally NOT COOL.

  I would never, EVER do something that mean to my sister. I’m nice to her almost all the time!

  Except when she’s mean to me first. And then it doesn’t count.

  Also, I had nothing to do with the cops. That was all Claudia. I have a totally clean record. Ed. Note: wait a few years—this will change Seriously! Call the cops if you don’t believe me.

  MOM AND DAD (Text messages copied from Mom’s phone)

  (MOM) Claudia says she’s writing a book

  about the incident

  (DAD) Like a novel?

  No. Oral history. Interviews. Like that

  zombie book. But real

  Great! If published, will look good on

  college apps

  I’m worried it’ll make us look like bad

  parents

  How?

  She wants us to participate

  By interviewing us? I might have

  time after Entek deal closes. Getting

  crushed at work right now

  No interview. Says she just wants to

  quote from our text messages

  I don’t like that

  Me neither. But she already has all

  of them

  How?

  I left my phone on the kitchen counter

  last night

  Tell her no

  I tried. She got upset. Now I feel guilty

  Ugh. Fine. Let her use them

  Really?

  Yes. If we don’t like the book, we can

  always sue her to stop publication

  Are you kidding? I can’t tell

  I can’t either

  Ed. Note: Dad has not sued me. (Yet.)

  CHAPTER 1

  THE GATHERING STORM

  CLAUDIA

  Here is some background information about The War:

  My name is Claudia Tapper. I live in New York City, and I have two goals in life: I either want to be a famous singer-songwriter like Miranda Fleet, or the President of the United States.

  Or both, if I have time.

  My brother’s name is Reese. He has no goals in life. Unless you count being a professional soccer player, which is totally unrealistic.

  We are, unfortunately, twins. I am twelve years old. Reese is six.

  I know what you’re thinking. “Really? Is that possible?”

  No. It’s not. Reese is twelve, too.

  He just has the brain of a six-year-old. A six-year-old that ate too much sugar and did not get its nap, so it has to run around our apartment and kick soccer balls against the wall and make noises like “GRONK!” and “SKADOOSH!”

  Honestly, living with him is the most annoying thing ever. It’s a pretty small apartment.

  We live on the Upper West Side. But we go to school at Culvert Prep, which is across Central Park on the Upper EAST Side. My parents like to say the Upper West Side is more “down to earth.” As far as I can tell, this basically means our neighborhood has more burger places, and not as many stores that sell $800 shoes. (Which, BTW, is insane. The shoes aren’t even that cute.)

  Culvert Prep is academically excellent, so there’s no way Reese could have gotten in if he hadn’t started going there in kindergarten. At that age, it’s very hard for the admissions office to tell if a kid will turn out to be a total meathead.

  Mom and Dad think Reese is perfectly smart, and he just needs to apply himself. They’re wrong, but it’s not worth arguing with them. If they had to admit the truth about their meathead son, it would make them incredibly sad.

  And Dad is sad enough already, because he is a lawyer.

  Anyway, back to Culvert Prep, which is where The War started.

  To be totally specific, it started in the Culvert Prep cafeteria on Monday, September 8th, at approximately 8:27am. That’s when Reese—in front of basically the whole sixth grade—launched a cruel and senseless sneak attack on me.

  REESE

  It didn’t start at school. It started in our kitchen that morning, when Claudia ate my toaster pastry.

  CLAUDIA

  That is SO not true. It was
n’t even yours.

  REESE

  Yes, it was! There’s six in a package. We each get three. And I only had two!

  CLAUDIA

  I only had two, too.

  REESE

  Liar!

  CLAUDIA

  It’s true! I think Dad eats them when he gets home at night.

  REESE

  All I know is, brown sugar cinnamon’s my favorite. And there was ONE left, and it was MINE.

  And I was lying in bed, thinking, “Oh, man, I can’t wait to narf that toaster pastry!”

  Then I go into the kitchen, and you’re, like, stuffing your face with it! And when I got mad, you laughed at me!

  CLAUDIA

  A) “Narf” is not even a word. And B) this is completely irrelevant.

  REESE

  It’s totally revelant!

  CLAUDIA

  Relevant.

  REESE

  Whatever! It’s important! I NEVER would’ve made fun of you in the cafeteria if you hadn’t eaten my toaster pastry! And then laughed at me about it!

  The whole thing was your fault!

  CLAUDIA

  That is ridiculous. I’m not putting it in the book.

  REESE

  You HAVE to! It’s the whole reason the war started!

  CLAUDIA

  No way. Not going in. It’s MY book.

  REESE

  Then I quit. Do your own stupid interviews. I’m going to go play MetaWorld. Ed. Note: site of major battle (like Gettysburg or Waterloo)

  CLAUDIA

  Reese!

  Augh! Fine. I’ll put it at the end. Like a footnote or something.

  REESE

  No way. It goes in the actual book. Right at the beginning! This exact argument.

  CLAUDIA

  That’ll ruin the whole thing! Have you ever SEEN an oral history?

  REESE

  I don’t even know what one is.

  CLAUDIA

  It’s like, different people telling a story in their own words. But nobody, like, stops to argue with each other in the middle of it. ESPECIALLY not at the beginning.

  REESE

  This is supposed to be the true story of what happened, right? And you’re recording it. So you have to put in EVERY WORD I’m saying. Or your book is a big skronking Ed. Note: also not a real word lie, and I quit.

  CLAUDIA

  I hate you.

  REESE

  Duh.

  CHAPTER 1½

  THE STORM IS STILL GATHERING

  CLAUDIA

  I apologize for that last chapter.

  But I had to leave it in because Reese talked to a lawyer. And the lawyer told him he could refuse to participate in the oral history if I didn’t print our entire argument exactly how I recorded it on my iPad.

  Which is ridiculous.

  And I’m pretty sure the lawyer just told Reese that to make him shut up, because the lawyer was very tired from a long week of being a lawyer and just wanted to lie on the couch and fall asleep watching football.

  But when I went to complain, he was already snoring even though it was only the first quarter. And I didn’t want to wake him up, because I am a kind and considerate person.

  And I couldn’t appeal to a higher court, because Mom was at yoga.

  Just to be clear, though, this says Chapter 1½, but really it’s Chapter 1, and you should just ignore that other Chapter 1.

  Back to The War.

  Historians disagree about where exactly it began. Some claim it started not at 8:27am in the Culvert Prep cafeteria, but an hour earlier, in the kitchen of Apartment 6D at 437 West End Avenue.

  These historians are idiots. And they can’t even count to three.

  Which, BTW, is the maximum number of toaster pastries I have EVER eaten out of a box of six.

  But whatever.

  Here’s exactly what happened:

  First of all, it’s important to know that on a normal weekday at 8:27am, pretty much the whole sixth grade is hanging out in the cafeteria. So if you’re going to launch a vicious sneak attack on an innocent person and want to make sure everybody hears it for the greatest possible humiliating damage, the cafeteria is the place to do it.

  Second, it’s even MORE important to know this: I was not the one who farted.

  REESE

  I still think it was you.

  CLAUDIA

  It wasn’t! And we are NOT discussing this.

  REESE

  Because you had Thai food the night before, which totally makes you fart the next day.

  And it smelled exactly like it did when we got off the bus that morning—

  CLAUDIA

  WE ARE NOT DISCUSSING THIS! NO, NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT—

  REESE

  —and I KNOW you farted on the bus, because I didn’t just smell it, I HEARD—

  CLAUDIA

  INTERVIEW OVER! I’M TURNING OFF THE VOICE MEMO APP!

  CHAPTER 1¾

  THE STORM STOPS GATHERING AND STARTS STORMING

  CLAUDIA

  Sorry again.

  I have decided not to even try to interview Reese about anything else until I can at least get to Chapter 2, because so far he is totally ruining my oral history.

  Back to the cafeteria.

  I was sitting with Sophie Koh, who is awesome and has been my one and only best friend since my original best friend, Meredith Timms, turned into a total Fembot and I had to take a vacation from not only being her best friend, but from even being her friend at all. Which is very sad and tragic, but is a whole other story.

  Sophie and I were at the middle table by the window. I was telling her what happened in the latest episode of Thrones of Death, because Sophie’s parents think she’s too young to watch it. And they actually still have parental controls on their DVR.

  Which is insane. But whatever.

  The Fembots were in their usual spot at the next table over, talking about shoes, or stabbing each other in the back, or whatever it is they do. Sophie and I call them “Fembots” because they all dress and act exactly the same way and have no idea how to think for themselves. And once when we were telling Sophie’s mom about them, her dad overheard and said they sounded like Fembots, which are supposedly these girl robots from some movie I can never remember the name of.

  Anyway, “Fembots” is kind of perfect for them. Athena Cohen is their leader, and she is a total nightmare.

  So the Fembots were on one side of us, and on the other side were Reese and his stupid soccer friends. Including Jens Kuypers, Ed. Note: (actually pronounced “Yens”) who is from the Netherlands and had just started going to Culvert the week before.

  It’s a little sad that Jens immediately started hanging out with Reese and the other soccer idiots. Because Jens does not seem like a soccer idiot at all. For one thing, he doesn’t just wear FC Barcelona jerseys and warm-up pants all the time—he actually wears normal clothes, too.

  For example, on the first day of school, he wore these really cool dark green pants with a button-down shirt and a brown vest that looked like it might be suede or something, and brown leather shoes that kind of matched the vest, but not quite. (Which was even better, because if they’d matched perfectly, it would have looked dorky.)

  Also, Jens has high cheekbones and a very nice smile, which I know because he smiled at me on the first day when we were in line for trays at lunch and he let me go ahead of him. (This also shows that he has excellent manners, which is totally not true of any of the other soccer idiots.)

  And because Jens is from the Netherlands—which means he is officially Dutch—he has this REALLY cool accent.

  But even though Jens is not like the soccer idiots at all, I guess he started hanging out with them anyway because he is awesome at soccer. I wouldn’t know, but that’s what Reese says. And it makes sense, because Jens looks like he is very athletic.

  So, Sophie and I were at the middle table in between the Fembots and the soccer idiots. There were also some other kids
at the far end of our table, like Kalisha and Charlotte and Max, but they are not important to The War.

  Except that one of them may have been the person who actually farted.

  Sophie and I smelled the fart at almost exactly the same time. Her face scrunched up, and she put her hand to her nose, and I did the same thing, and we both went “Eeeew!” But not too loudly, because Sophie and I are mature enough to know that when somebody beefs, the polite thing is to not mention it and just try to avoid breathing for a while until it goes away.

  Unfortunately, nobody else in the sixth grade is mature enough to know this.